When it comes to love, romance, and relationships, leadership is often only thought of in terms of initiation. In other words, “Who asked Who.” Or, as I have heard many girls say,
“Why won’t he ask me out?”
“Why won’t more guys step up and ask girls out?”
Proving that there are some patriarchal roots that even us ladies have a hard time letting go of. That there is something to be said for a man pursuing the woman he loves. But, after the first dance, the first date, and for some of us, even after the man gets down on one knee, healthy leadership in relationships is rarely discussed. And sadly, I think for many, marriage becomes a power struggle rather than the powerful partnership I believe it is meant to be.
Many of us may have grown up in a tradition that says the man is the head of the house (aka the leader). But then there are those of us who grew up in homes where our mothers were the leaders. Which causes us to ask, in healthy relationships, who’s in charge?
The answer is both.
Both people in a healthy relationship have a leadership role to play. But this is where some schools of thought would come in and say that a woman’s role is to lead in a nurturing way, while the man’s role is to lead decisively over his whole family, including his wife. The problem with this model is that not all men and women are gifted to lead in these socially prescribed stereotypical roles. Rather each of us, as women and men, have been uniquely gifted as individuals to bring specific strengths to our relationships that inform where and how we lead.
A good example of this, is a conversation my brother-in-law started this past Thanksgiving. He had taken the DISC leadership style test, and wanted to know if we had too. It being required in a leadership course we’d taken, we said yes. Soon we were discussing our results and how our strengths play out in our marriage. According to his results, one of Tony’s high letters is a “C,” which means he is very conscientious. And one of my high letters is “D,” meaning decisive. So in our marriage, there are times Tony’s “C” leads us in thinking through big life decisions more thoroughly. While other times, my “D,” leads us to make them quicker.
The way each of us leads is determined by more than just our physical make up. So allowing gender to determine our roles in dating and marriage relationships, greatly limits how they can grow. To say only one partner can lead, is to exclude the other’s strengths and be bound by the leader’s weakness. However, to be in a relationship where both partners lead, is to capitalize on double the strengths.
Coming from somewhat muddled Christian backgrounds, Tony and I could have easily fallen into the traditional “man is the head of the house,” type of relationship. Only this paradigm doesn’t line up with the way Jesus modeled leadership during His time here on earth. It also doesn’t leave much room for all of the gifts God has given each of us, to be expressed.
In our world today, we often associate the word leader with being the “top dog,” the person everyone defers to, and who everyone revolves around. But Jesus showed us that leadership is about servanthood and sacrifice. Though He was literally the God of the Universe in human skin, He never sought to dominate (Philippians 2).
In Ephesians 5:21, all believers are told to, “Submit to one another out of reverence to Christ.” And in the message translation of Romans 12:10, to “Practice playing second fiddle.” Where better to follow these words than in marriage?
When we are at our best, and Tony and I are both putting Jesus and each other first, our marriage is awesome. When we are prayerfully making decisions together, there isn’t a power struggle. There is space for both of us to grow and express what God has put on our hearts. There isn’t the feeling of being shortchanged. Yes, we still have tense moments and disagreements. But at the end of the day, we work through them and move forward together as a team of leaders—not one person following the other.
Have you ever thought about leadership in relationships?
Where have you seen it work? Where has it faltered?
There is SO much more to say about leadership in couple relationships. So for this reason, on Thursday, I will share some concrete ways this works in our marriage.
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Melissa, do you think in relationships it’s most usually about a power struggle of who’s in charge or sit it sometimes a struggle of trusting the other person of what is close to our hearts?
Also why is it hard for women to submit sometimes?
Great questions, Elizabeth! I think you have hit on something very important–I think trust is a huge factor in relationships where there is a power struggle. If we feel we can’t trust that the other person has our best interests in mind, then it is very difficult to share the leadership in a relationship. Now, is trust always the issue–as many people struggle with control issues, probably not.
Then, I guess to somewhat answer your last question–do you believe it is always the woman’s role to submit? I think there has been this longstanding belief that it is always the woman’s job to submit–only, as I said in this post, I believe it is both the man and woman’s job. So in situations where the woman’s voice and direction are needed, yet she is expected to submit–of course it is going to be hard. On the other hand, I also think it is hard for BOTH men and woman to submit to each other in general because it is a laying down of one’s desires. It goes against our nature. That is why we need Jesus to help us in these situations to love each other well.
This has been a game changer for my marriage. I grew up with my mom HoH and under the impression men couldn’t make decisions to save their life, and that if something needed to be done I’d better do it. For the first year of our marriage, I dominated my husband and it was not good. As the Lord began to work on me, I finally said “I need someone to lead me,” because I realized how lost i was. Since I turned that over to my husband, I have never felt more secure. We decide together, but ultimately he is the one who makes the decision. Thank you for this!
Hey Taylor, so glad you appreciated this post. It’s true, sometimes our relationships are so off balance that we have to kind of go in the opposite direction for a little while. Thankfully, as you said, we do have a leader in Jesus on how to do all of this. Thanks for sharing your story. Based on what you’ve shared, you might be interested in my follow up post As always, its good to hear your thoughts.