Sometimes, life gets away from us. Work gets busy. Loved ones get sick. We face physical or mental illness. Worldwide pandemics happen. And in the thick of it all, it can be easy to lose sight of each other. 

Weeks go by and you realize you can’t remember the last time you had a conversation with your spouse that wasn’t a run down of “need to know” type things. You don’t know how long it’s been since you had a date and actually looked in each other’s eyes for longer than five minutes. Maybe, you’ve hurt one another and it’s become difficult. Or maybe, 

You’re both so tired.

After this past year, any of these scenarios are understandable. Only what is the point of coming out of this incredibly challenging season, if we don’t arrive with our marriages in tact? If we survive all the hard, real life stuff and the pandemic, but we lose our closest person?

What is the point of coming out of this incredibly challenging season, if we don’t arrive with our marriages in tact? If we survive all the hard, real life stuff and the pandemic, but we lose our closest person?

Over the past year, I’ve watched as online influencers have announced the end of their marriages on social media. And as I get overly invested sometimes, I’ve spent more time than necessary wondering what happened. While at the same time, always coming to the conclusion that in most cases, it wasn’t a sudden break up. That there was a long history of struggle before each party cried “uncle.” Struggle that may not look much different from what we’re going through with our spouses.

So how do we take care of our marriages?

How do we triage what’s bleeding? Rebuild what’s broken? Refresh what has grown stale? 

As strange as it might sound, revisiting your routines as a couple may be a good place to start. Or, if you’ve never thought about the rhythms you’ve built in your marriage, it’s not too late. Though it may be tempting to think a fancy vacation or big romantic gesture might revive your relationship with your spouse, it’s what we do every day in our marriage that creates lasting change. 

Though it may be tempting to think a fancy vacation or big romantic gesture might revive your relationship with your spouse, it’s what we do every day in our marriage that creates lasting change.

That’s why, for the next few weeks, in this space, I will be talking about how to build routines in marriage. But today, I want to share a few reasons for why intentionally creating healthy habits with your spouse can strengthen your relationship. 

Building routines together:

Defines your values as a couple.

It’s one thing to say you value your health, and another to eat well and exercise regularly. As a couple, building routines give you concrete ways to live out your values together, and unites you around what matters most.

Creates accountability.

A routine I’ve struggled sticking to over the years, has been exercise. But, because Tony and I have had whole seasons of our marriage in which we’ve scheduled time to work out together, it’s been easier to stay consistent. When one of us doesn’t feel like working out, the other usually does which is enough to get us to both show up. Being committed to a routine with someone, makes it harder to quit.

Gives you an excuse to hang out.

Over the past year, “Working out” for us has often looked like going for walks or hikes. This has given us literally hours to spend time together. When life gets so busy that you and your spouse end up doing everything apart, it makes it hard to connect. You begin to feel distant from one another. But if you connect over a routine that you both need to do anyway (exercise, grocery shopping, cooking dinner, etc.), it makes everyday tasks more meaningful and draws you closer.

Grows trust.

Tony and I like to think of each other as being on the same team. In sports, you build trust with your teammates by continuing to show up the best you can to every practice, training, and game. Marriage is not much different. Whenever Tony shows up for one of our routines (to pray together, meal plan, work out, etc.), he is investing in our relationship, life together, and in me. And when I show up, I am doing the same (I share more on this here).

Helps you find direction.

When you and your spouse create routines around your shared values, it begins to make decisions in other areas of your life easier. Building routines around what you care about, aligns your life with each other, and what is most important for your journey soon comes into focus. Because you’re regularly taking action on things that matter to you both, it’s clearer to see whether an opportunity that comes your way—either individually or as a couple—is worth pursuing.

Have you thought about the routines you and your spouse share?

When was the last time the two of you had a real discussion about your routines?

If you want more help in finding your rhythm when it comes to routines–or just a friend for this crazy journey called life–sign up for my email list today and receive two extra posts and other fun resources in your inbox every month! Sign up here and also receive my free resource on creating space in our lives for what is most important.