A few weeks ago, on a Saturday morning, one of us woke up to the other scrolling through their phone. Tony and I said good morning, asked each other how we slept, and then both of us got lost in our socials. For a while our conversation revolved around what we were seeing online. Then both of us put down our phones. We talked about what we wanted to do that day, and a few other things, before stumbling into THE CONVERSATION.
No matter what stage of marriage you’re in, every couple has a conversation that needs to be had.
If you’re married, you know what I mean. No matter what stage of marriage you’re in, every couple has a conversation that needs to be had. Sometimes, it’s situational. Other times, it is that life long discussion, that you both keep circling back to, trying to find your way through together.
For us, it was a combination of the latter mixed with the tension we’re all feeling from this quarantined life we are living. And at first, so much of me wanted to get up and leave the room—because CONFLICT IS HARD. Only, staying present in times of conflict is one of the most powerful ways to love your spouse well, and build your marriage.
For the next hour, in love, Tony and I said some hard things to each other. We listened to one another. Then we talked about how we can seek to do better. Having that difficult conversation, brought us closer to one another.
In February, I shared Six Rules to Fighting Fair in Marriage. I had no clue that a few weeks later, many of us would be spending much more time with our spouses than we ever have before. Time in which all the conversations we’ve been putting off, easily rise to the surface. So, with this in mind, I’m sharing these Six Rules again. As they are what are helping me and Tony during this time, I figure, they may help you too.
Only, first I have to share a disclaimer:
There is no excuse for abuse.
If you are in a relationship with someone who is continually tearing you down physically or emotionally—please skip down to rule number six, get help. Don’t wait for things to get better on their own.
Remember this person Is your love & your friend.
When you’re about to hit the roof because you can’t believe they just said that one thing. Or, they did something you didn’t want them to do—remember who they are. Remind yourself of all the good inside them. They are not your enemy. Thank God for them. Then give them grace, and as calmly as possible talk to them about it.
Don’t believe the story in your head.
In this incredible book, Brene Brown talks about how we all create stories in our heads to makes sense of the world around us. Only often, these stories tell us bad things. In many cases, they lie. They tell us we’ve been disrespected, we’re unloved, or we’ve been abandoned. So we react out of fear and pain, before we even know what is true. In these situations, we need to use Brene’s line and tell our spouse, “The story I am telling myself is…” Then we need to listen to what they have to say.
Ask good questions, then listen.
Sometimes, we tell our spouse our story, and their response doesn’t make things any clearer. Or, our spouse tells us their story, and we still feel confused. This is where we need to commit to asking good—and sometimes, even hard—questions to better understand their side. But that is only the first part. The second part is that we need to do our best to listen in a way that they feel heard, and we are able to learn as much as we can about where they’re coming from.
When you want to run away, stay.
As I’ve admitted before, this one is really hard for me. I feel things so deeply that it takes everything in me sometimes not to run into another room, or take the car and go for a drive. But running away doesn’t build trust, nor does it help you and your spouse work things through. Sit as long as you can, and if you need a short break, tell your spouse. Then come back in a short period of time to continue talking things through.
Finish talking things through.
It can be tempting to let a conversation drop, or to take a break and then never get back to it. But if it is important to you, to your spouse, or to the state of your relationship—talk it through. Don’t let too much time go by without working things out so that you both are in a good place. Waiting or ignoring the hard stuff will only make the distance between you multiply.
Get help.
Sometimes, there are serious issues or situations we find ourselves repeatedly circling around in conversations or altercations with our spouse. We cycle through topics, but never feel we get anywhere. When this happens, we need to get help. Don’t wait until this quarantine time is over. Talk to a trusted mentoring couple or a counselor online—to help break the cycle, heal, and move forward together.
What are the rules you follow when fighting with you spouse?
How could you both do better for each other?
Feeling a little adrift in this strange, new normal of being at home? Sign up for my email list and get your free copy of my Social Distancing Survival Guide: Everyday Routines. Sign up here.
Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash
