One of my favorite authors, Shauna Niequist, says friendships are like breakfast. We think we can skip them; only if we do, we feel depleted and cranky without them. Friendships have a way of feeding our souls that other relationships can’t. They make us feel seen and understood. And in a world where it’s easy to feel lonely, they keep us company.

Only good friendships don’t come easy.

When I decided to spend this month talking about more than just romantic relationships, friendship seemed like an obvious topic. But I wanted to avoid it. Because the truth is, I feel anything but an expert when it comes to friendship. And I wondered, what would I write?

There are people in this world who have multiple groups of friends. They have their book club, supper club, meet-me-at-the-gym, and vacation together friends. Then there are those who have friends that they met in elementary school. Then there’s me.

Before I give you the wrong idea, I do have friends—really incredible ones. And I am not talking about the ones on social media, either. I have real live “meet me for coffee,” “call me in an emergency” friends. Only there aren’t dozens of them. In fact, a few years ago, the number of them dwindled.

Life happened, people moved away, we left a church we loved, and suddenly friends I thought I’d have forever were gone. The loss was so painful that if it wasn’t for a few people who stuck by me, I might have given up on having friends completely. But all of this taught me a few important things about friendships in adulthood.

First, people can change just as much in their twenties and thirties as they do in high school and college. People get married, have kids, and change jobs. All of these things can be enough to send friends in opposite directions. All of a sudden the things you shared, you don’t share anymore. Or they aren’t enough to keep your relationship going. As hard as it is, it is time to let go.

Then, there isn’t a lot of room in our current culture for friendship. Sure, some people make it look easy. But with all the time we’re supposed to give to our jobs and family—and all the time we give to our phones and Netflix—there isn’t much left. Good friendship requires putting in the hours, investing in another person, and even sacrifice. Only when our lives already feel so hard, it’s not easy to put ourselves out there to meet new friends.

Finally, just because friendships are hard, doesn’t mean we give up on them. Yes, if you are in an unhealthy friendship, you should get out. But the hard I am talking about is sticking with each other through difficult life seasons. Putting down our phones when we want to escape the world, and instead having a face to face conversation. And even, slowly letting trustworthy people in to see the parts of us we usually hide.

In other words, friendship isn’t much easier than it was in Junior High. It’s just different. The good news though, is that in adulthood, it isn’t about how many friends you have. Rather, it is the quality of your relationships that matter.

Whenever I go home and visit my family, my parents ask me to make them eggs. They say that I make the best eggs ever. But making good eggs isn’t terribly unlike forming good friendships. It’s all about timing, patience, and attention. Shauna was right. Friendships are like breakfast.

Where are your friendships strong?

Where do you need to work on building new ones?

 

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