If you’ve never finished a 5K, it’s not a good idea to sign up to run a marathon. If you don’t know how to boil water or roast a chicken, you shouldn’t volunteer to make Thanksgiving dinner. And if you and your spouse have never traveled together, you probably shouldn’t sign up to do the Amazing Race.
Only in marriage, we do this type of thing all the time.
We buy fixer uppers without knowing the first thing about laying tile or putting up sheetrock. We look at each other on New Year’s and say we’re going to work out every day, though we haven’t exercised in months. And we agree to do fad diets that are so far from our eating habits that they’re in no way sustainable.
Why do we do this to ourselves? To each other?
Simply put, I think we want the dream more than the reality. We want the outcome so badly, we don’t count the cost of the process it will take to get us there. We like the moment of jumping into the possibility of a better house, leaner bodies, and healthier selves. But we don’t thoughtfully plan out the journey our goals require. We don’t realize the foundation of routines that need to be built for us to succeed. And I think you can guess the rest of the story.
We like the moment of jumping into the possibility of a better house, leaner bodies, and healthier selves. But we don’t thoughtfully plan out the journey our goals require.
The couch calls to us each night, and we find ourselves watching TV instead of working out. We slip into our old eating habits when life gets busy or our emotions tell us they can only be cured with french fries. And, if we bought the fixer upper, house projects begin to pile up until we finally call a contractor or decide to sell, because it’s all too much.
Dreams and goals that are set without a plan, never come to fruition. They only promise heartache, disappointment, and tension in our marriages. That is why I’ve been talking about how to create routines with our spouses this season. It’s why we have to start by naming what matters, reevaluating our current routines, and then:
We have to start small.
No matter our dreams or goals for our marriages, we can’t expect the journey to be simple. Or that we’re going to start on step seven of a process, when we’ve never even done step two. Not only that, but even if we’re on step four—if our spouse is on step two—collectively, we’re on step two.
Creating routines to help us move toward our goals, means starting from our most common point then taking small steps forward together.
Creating routines to help us move toward our goals, means starting from our most common point then taking small steps forward together. Before Tony and I did P90X3 (and signed up for a week of camping in the wilderness), we had slowly been building a routine of working out two to three times a week. We had been developing that routine for over a year. And though Tony had done P90X a few years before, we were starting out at the level and pace where I was at.
It’s good to name our big dreams as a couple. But we must begin by creating a small, doable routine to help us move in the direction we want to go.
Goals worth having always take more work and time than we realize. It’s good and ok to name our big dreams as a couple. But we must begin by creating a small, doable routine to help us move in the direction we want to go. Attempting to build a challenging habit to fast track the process will only set us up to fail. Tony and I had decided we wanted to be able to say yes to outdoor adventures. But first we had to develop sustainable routines in which we were strengthening our bodies for those types of trips.
If you’ve been following along in this series, what is most important to you and your spouse?
Are there any small routines you could create this season to move you both closer to reaching a dream you hold together?
If you want more help in finding your rhythm when it comes to routines–or just a friend for this crazy journey called life–sign up for my email list today and receive two extra posts and other fun resources in your inbox every month! Sign up here and also receive my free resource on creating space in our lives for what is most important.
Thank you for your post. After reading this, I realized that my husband and I were behaving in an aimless fashion in the evenings, after our kids were in bed. We’ve since then dedicated certain nights to time together – whether it be house projects, listening to a podcast, or watching our favorite show. We’re more excited for the nights we spend together and apart, for different reasons. Thank you!
Oh Lorna, This is so cool. Thank you for sharing this. I am so glad this inspired this change in routine for you and your husband. It’s amazing what even small tweaks in our every day can do to draw us closer to our spouse, and bring us joy.