“You don’t marry someone you can live with, you marry the person you cannot live without.”

— P.S. I Love You

For longer than any of us have been alive, there have been movies about love. For centuries before that, there were plays. Acted out stories that have made us think and even dream about romance. Ones that have shaped the way we view relationships and marriage. Only,

None of them prepared us for marriage in a pandemic.

For almost eleven months, Tony and I have been working from home together. Not only that, but we’ve moved into our first house. We’ve tried to figure out how to be there for my dad who is fighting brain cancer four states away. And in the midst of all the stress, a few health issues have come up for me. 

Though our marriage vows said, “In sickness and in health,” no one said anything about a world wide pandemic. Nor did anyone mention that, “When it rains it pours,” can also refer to life in marriage.

Spending twenty-four hours a day together for the first time in our relationship, has meant there’s been very little time for us to process life away from each other. Limited breathing room to let off steam. And almost no opportunities to miss each other. 

Though our marriage vows said, “In sickness and in health,” no one said anything about a world wide pandemic. Nor did anyone mention that, “When it rains it pours,” can also refer to life in marriage. Some seasons can last years without much strain on your relationship, then you can have a year like this past one, where it feels like the stress and/or heartache keeps coming. Add in working and living in the same space due to social distancing, and your marriage suddenly finds itself in a pressure cooker.

Needless to say, there’s been quite a few tense conversations. The kind that rarely get portrayed in the movies. The kind that leave you both drained, and wishing for simpler days. Only here’s what we’re learning: Each confrontation offers us a choice.

We can pull back, or we can lean in. 

We can choose self-preservation or work through the steps of healthy conflict. The former creates distance and tension between us. While the latter leads us to depths of trust in our relationship we’ve never known.  

For the past few months, we’ve been thinking about it as if we’re “leveling up” in our marriage.

For the past few months, we’ve been thinking about it as if we’re “leveling up” in our marriage. In popular video games (so I’ve been told), each level gets more difficult. You have to pass further challenging obstacles, in order to keep playing the game.

Marriage is not a game.

But is does feel like a quest in which you must continue to work together through harder life challenges, in order to stay on the journey. For us, this Pandemic and all of the other life struggles that have come up this year, have at times made us feel like we were at odds with each other. We’ve had to remind ourselves that we’re on the same team. And each time we have, we’ve grown closer, stronger.

This coming Sunday is Valentine’s Day. 

I know Tony and I aren’t the only couple “leveling up” in our marriage this year. I know if you’re married or in a relationship, you and your significant other have weathered things you never dreamed of this season. 

We need to thank our partners for sticking with us. And in the same way we commemorate a sports team for winning their division championship—we need to honor what we have overcome together this year.

Though the movies have taught us to celebrate this holiday with chocolate, red roses, and a fancy dinner, I think somewhere in there we need to recognize what we’ve worked through together. We need to thank our partners for sticking with us. And in the same way we commemorate a sports team for winning their division championship—we need to honor what we have overcome together this year. 

Being married means believing the whole is greater than the sum of our parts. That we are better together. Therefore it is worth fighting to level up every time we have the opportunity.

How have you and your partner felt unprepared for this past season?

Where do you need to continue to lean in to each other on your journey?

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