It was a warm, sunny day, and the stone streets felt hard under my sandaled feet. There was an event going on in the city so there were people everywhere I looked. We were on a small and winding medieval street in the middle of Siena, Italy. Tony was walking a little ways behind me, but I didn’t stop.
I was upset.
Only I wasn’t even sure why. All I knew was it felt like Tony and I were speaking a different language. I felt unseen, and like I could cry any minute. That is why I was breaking one of our marriage rules regarding conflict—no one runs away.
To be fair, I wasn’t running. I just wasn’t stopping. I didn’t want to make a scene.
Finally, Tony caught up to me. Then we found a quiet side street where we could begin to try and understand what had brought us to this place. We found a cafe where we could eat lunch in the shade, then slowly over the afternoon, we worked things out.
It always amazes me how fast conflict can find us. How one moment everything can be as good as gold, and then something switches. We’re happily sailing along side by side, until suddenly we are taking opposite turns. We’re heading in different directions, while looking back at each other like “why aren’t you coming with me?”
It always amazes me how fast conflict can find us. We’re happily sailing along side by side, until suddenly we are taking opposite turns. We’re heading in different directions, while looking back at each other like “why aren’t you coming with me?”
It’s these moments where we are reminded most, that we’re two different people. That though we can live in harmony so much of time, there are situations where our differences seem to throw us out of tune. And it’s in these moments, where it begins to makes sense why marriage experts are always talking about one thing:
Communication.
We need to be able to talk our way back to one another. To explain why we took the turn we took, or how the other’s turn affected us. Communication is key to creating overall harmony and unity in marriage.
If I didn’t let Tony in that day in Siena, the rest of our time there would have been ruined. If he didn’t go after me, perhaps more of our trip would have been lost. With this in mind, today I want to share five things we do that help us communicate better with each other. Things that require some work both internally and relationally, but are so important to strengthening our relationship.
Always seek to be self-aware.
All of us carry baggage into our marriages. Some of us struggle with trust. Others of us struggle with feelings of worthiness. These things can make it difficult to fully engage with our spouse. To tell them what is going on inside of us, and even to let them love us. By seeking to be self aware about these things, we are better able to keep them from coming between us and our spouse. For some us, this may mean getting counseling and working through our baggage so it doesn’t cause us or the one we love, harm.
Say what you need and want, or let it go.
Our spouses can’t read our minds. But I think those of us who struggle with worthiness are afraid to tell them what we want or need. So, we don’t. Then we feel hurt when they don’t give us those things. The sad part about this is many times, they would have loved to do that thing for us. Tell your spouse what you want or need, it’s the only way they will know. And if you don’t tell them, and what you want doesn’t happen, let it go. It’s not fair to blame someone for something they didn’t know.
Listen
Very often, our spouse is telling us what we need to know, we just need to listen. Rather than focusing on what we’re going to say next, we need to take a deep breath and focus on what they are saying.
Ask questions, then listen some more.
Some of our spouses are really good at talking about their feelings, but not all of them are. At times, they will need us to ask thoughtful questions to help them explain what they are feeling or what they need from us. We need to ask questions based on what they are telling us and what we know about them. Then, we need to patiently wait for them to say what they need to say.
Show appreciation.
When our spouse shows vulnerability, when they say things that are hard or brave, we need to thank them for trusting us with themselves. Or, when we tell them what we need or want (within reason), and they give it to us or do it for us—it is important to show appreciation. Saying Thank you, or giving them an appreciative hug, tells them we value them and the things they do for us. And this builds further trust for the future.
Which of these five things do you struggle with the most?
How can you show up for your partner this week in one of these ways?
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Photo by Christin Hume on Unsplash
