My favorite word growing up was, “Yes.” If you think about it, your’s probably was too. It was the answer we wanted for every good question:

“Mom, can I ride my bike with my friends?”

“Yes.”

“Dad, can we go out for ice cream?”

“Yes.” 

“Mom, can I stay up late?”

“No.” (bummer)

“No” just doesn’t have the same happy ring to it as “yes” does. Especially because it usually means we’re not getting what we want. But “yes” isn’t only our favorite answer, for many of us, it is also our favorite reply. 

In High School and college, yes was still my word. Only I said it far more than I heard it. I said yes when my friends asked me to join clubs, yes when teachers needed volunteers, and yes when almost anyone needed my help. I was a people pleaser extraordinaire. 

Only, people pleasing isn’t sustainable in the long haul of life. Not only that, but it isn’t possible to be a people pleaser and be effective as a leader. You can’t make everyone happy and make a difference in this world. It’s just not possible. I know, because I learned this the hard way.

My desire to keep the people in my life happy, pulled me in a variety of directions. And my desire to follow my dreams and my calling began pulling me in another. Soon, I found myself trying to bend my schedule, thoughts, and emotions, like a contortionist trying to make all the parts of my life fit. When they weren’t supposed to. 

Years of living this way, of trying to be who I thought others wanted me to be, took its toll. In my mid-twenties, my body decided it could take no more. There was a whole winter of sickness, followed by an emergency room visit with symptoms that medicine couldn’t explain. But by that point, I knew. I knew the problem wasn’t physical, rather it was the way I was living my life that was giving me problems. 

With the help of mentors, good friends, and counseling, I learned to use a different word in my life. I discovered the importance of boundaries, and how good and healthy relationships respect them. And to my surprise, my life didn’t end when

I learned to say no.  

Sure, a few of my relationships did. Only, I saw for the first time that they weren’t as good of relationships as I thought. Not only that, but “yes” lost its luster for me. It became like eating ALL the candy you got from trick-or-treating as a kid—when half of it is junk—and getting sick. Some of the yeses I had been saying were good, but all of my yeses together proved to be too much. 

All of a sudden, where “yes” used to be the word I found most life-giving, I began to enjoy saying, “no,” even more. Especially when it meant being home on my couch binging shows, as I began to recover my health. For a season, I said more no’s than yeses as I began to work towards finding a new healthy balance in my life. And overall, I learned that where we say, “no” is just as important as where we say, “yes.”

Though even as adults, “no” is a very unpopular word, for many of us it is just the word we need to free us from impossible expectations—ours, and others. This month, as we begin to prepare for the holiday’s, I thought what better time to talk about the word “No.” The “no’s” in our lives we need to say, but also the “no’s” that have left us heartbroken and discouraged, especially during this time of year. Each Monday, for “No-vember,” we’ll be talking about a different “no” in our lives. And on Thursdays, we’ll look at some practical ways to handle these no’s. 

Where in your life have you struggled to say no?

When was the last time you said yes, when you should have said no?

 

Are you in the midst of making a hard decision? Contemplating a big life change? If so, you may be interested in my FREE Making Changes Checklist that I give to all my email friends. Want your free copy?  subscribe here.