When I was a kid, my favorite movie involved a man on a horse who rescues a beautiful woman in the outback of Australia. He had an amazing accent and wasn’t bad to look at. She had this gorgeous, curly black hair. My hair was straight, which I hated. So it didn’t take me long to realize I wanted to be her. I wanted her hair, and I wanted to ride behind the man on the horse.

I guess I can’t blame all of my childhood romantic fantasies on Disney. But combining my impressionable imagination as a young girl with an idyllic yet superficial view of love, proved to be unhelpful to me as I got older. It set me up to believe that men are supposed to do all the pursuing, while we women folk go about our lives looking as pretty as possible in hopes of catching their eye. This dynamic gave me little instruction on how to develop a healthy relationship, in the midst of pursuing all the other things God had created me to do.

As Valentine’s Day grows closer, here are Four Things I wish Someone had Told me about Love:

1. Pursuing a Relationship takes Two:

Growing up watching movies in which the guy always made the first move, made me believe that the woman’s role should always be passive (hello Patriarchy). It took me a while to realize that if I was interested in a guy, maybe I should let him know. When I finally did, my attempts were terribly awkward. But it taught me that guys are just as insecure as women are when it comes to dating. The whole Prince Charming/Cinderella ideal needs to be updated. We need to see what it looks like for two people to come together through mutual admiration that is not just built on physical attraction.

2. Dating is Awkward.

It just is—at least at the beginning. It’s almost like a job interview, only you’re there to find out if the other person has similar interests, a good heart, and makes your heart beat faster. While having dinner, on my second date with my husband, I will never forget staring at the salad bowl for what felt like eternity. I was trying to think of something to say while simultaneously praying he would say anything. Thankfully, our conversation rebounded, but it could have gone either way—dead silence for the rest of dinner and then a weird goodbye, or happily ever after.  The point is, you don’t know, unless you brave the awkwardness.

3. Dating is more like an experiment than a guarantee.

In movies, relationships seem to move at warp speed. Two people meet and by the end of the first date they are in love (or at minimum, in non-Disney movies, they’re spending the night together). Both are unhelpful to the woman or man meeting someone for a first date. There is so much pressure for it to work that when it doesn’t, it is more disappointing than it should be. If two people go on a date, they need to see it as simply an opportunity to meet someone new—not start planning their future together. That way, if it doesn’t work out, there are no hard feelings involved, and both are free to move on.

4. Don’t look for the Perfect Man/Woman, look for someone who can be your best friend.

A year before I started dating my husband, one of my close friends got married. In one of our usual girl conversations, she shared that she and her new husband had had an argument. She protected their privacy and didn’t share much, she just shared that it had happened. But it was one of the most helpful revelations about love and marriage I could have asked for. As she talked, I had a light bulb moment. Of course marriage would be hard, and that there would be arguments from time to time. No matter what two humans you put together—neither of them are perfect—and their imperfections are bound to collide. The perfect person doesn’t exist. Instead of looking for the unattainable, look for someone with good character, and for someone who will be your best friend. That way, when you get in a fight, they will fight fair, and at the end of it you will realize you were both fighting for your relationship all along.

What things do you wish someone had told you about love?

What things have you learned?

 

Would you like more from Melissaschlies.com delivered to your inbox?

If so, subscribe here.