Halloween is over. Somehow it’s already November. In a few weeks we’ll be celebrating Thanksgiving with loved ones. And if our festivities aren’t too chaotic, there will be a moment when we’ll reflect on what we’re thankful for this year. Individually or collectively, we’ll practice gratitude.
For some of us, this activity will feel like vanilla ice cream on an already delicious slice of apple pie. But for others of us, gratitude will feel like the taste of your aunt’s over baked sweet potato casserole with charred marshmallows on top. You know it’s supposed to be sweet, but all you taste is bitterness.
Sometimes, gratitude isn’t enough.
I apologize for entering this joyous holiday season on a low note, but this is a hard lesson I’ve been learning over the past few years. And I feel it’s important to talk about this season.
Being thankful is crucial to our well being. Practicing gratitude can reorient us around what is most important in life…But gratitude isn’t a cure all.
Don’t get me wrong, being thankful is crucial to our well being. Practicing gratitude can reorient us around what is most important in life. It reminds us of all we do have. And it opens us up to a greater appreciation for our lives and those around us. But gratitude isn’t a cure all.
Not too long ago, I began following a self-empowerment online influencer. I listened to her podcasts, read her books—even recommended some of her resources here on the blog. One of her proclaimed keys to success? Starting her day off by writing down five things she is grateful for. She encouraged all of us who followed her to do the same—which I tried, for about a month.
Only all this focus on forced positivity, made me feel like I was carrying a burden I couldn’t talk about. That somehow, because I could name thirty-five new things I was thankful for each week, all my real life struggles weren’t a big deal. It didn’t matter that I was wrestling with depression, because I have a husband who loves me, a pair of new boots, a vacation planned, coffee with a friend this week, and the sun is shining. As if all those things will add up to me being “ok.”
All this focus on forced positivity, made me feel like I was carrying a burden I couldn’t talk about. That somehow, because I could name thirty-five new things I was thankful for each week, all my real life struggles weren’t a big deal.
In her new book, No Cure For Being Human, Kate Bowler talks about this very thing. After being diagnosed with stage four colon cancer at the age of thirty-five, she began writing a list of every good thing that happened following her diagnosis. She called this the “Gratitude Decree.” But then, as she describes this part of her journey, she writes:
“I will try to remember these blessings at 2:00 A.M. when I am wide awake and my mind lurches toward the obvious: this is not enough. No matter how carefully I reframe painful experiences with a positive lens or focus my attention on tiny gains, I cannot make thankfulness the solution. And the harder I try to pin down my gratitude, the more it slips away.”
Over the past five weeks or so, we’ve been talking about finding contentment in different areas of our lives. The self help industry would have us believe that the antidote to our discontentment is a gratitude list. Only, many of us are feeling something that goes beyond discontentment. We’re carrying the burden of illness, living with depression stemming from something we can’t name, or trying so hard just to survive each day because life is throwing way more at us than we can handle. And the truth is,
Being thankful won’t save us.
It may help us, but it isn’t the same as asking for help. Or being honest with ourselves and our loved ones about where we’re at. There are seasons where we can’t polish up our pain with positivity. Times when gratitude isn’t enough.
There are seasons where we can’t polish up our pain with positivity. Times when gratitude isn’t enough.
If this is where you are, this week as we head into the Holiday season, it’s ok. You don’t have to post one thing you are thankful for every day on social media (unless you want to). You don’t have to force yourself to be grateful or joyous, or anything you think you’re expected to feel right now. Instead, my prayer for you is that if you are carrying a heavy burden, that you will:
Feel free to name your struggle.
Not every holiday season has to look like a hallmark movie, nor do we have to pretend we are one of their happy shiny actors. The key to our healing, health, and even survival, in this life isn’t slapping a smile on our faces and telling ourselves and others that we are ok. It’s being honest when we’re not.
The key to our healing, health, and even survival in this life isn’t slapping a smile on our faces and telling ourselves and others that we are ok. It’s being honest when we’re not.
Over the years, I have struggled with depression, and like all of us, have had to navigate difficult seasons. When I think of what has helped me find hope and healing, it’s been my faith, going to counseling, and the support of my loved ones. Making gratitude lists doesn’t even come to my mind.
Where have you felt you had to be grateful, when all you felt was pain?
Is there something you’re struggling with this season that’s hard to name?
Who or where can you ask for help?
Hey Friends, this concludes our series on contentment (for now). If you’re on my e-mail list (sign up here), you will continue to get updates and bonus content from me this month. If you’re not, I will return to this space after Thanksgiving. Looking forward to connecting with you then!
