When I was in college, a relationship expert came to speak at our Chapel* one day. As the historical joke/motto for our school was to expect “a ring by spring” if you were dating someone, it seemed fitting. Though I went to college for my education (and maybe, to meet a boyfriend), many of my peers were already looking for a spouse.
During the talk, the expert encouraged us to do something I’d never heard before: to write a list of the characteristics we wanted in the person we’d marry. To think long and hard about the qualities we wanted them to have, and to consider those things when choosing who to seriously date.
The expert encouraged us… to write a list of the characteristics we wanted in the person we’d marry.
For a bunch of early twenty-somethings who were still figuring out what they wanted in life, let alone in a spouse—it wasn’t bad advice. Only, I wish another speaker would have also spoke at one of our chapels. One, who had a different yet equally important message. Rather than encouraging us to focus on our future spouses, I wish someone had told us to focus on becoming our best possible selves. To dream big, and to write an entirely different list:
A Single Person’s Bucket List
A list of things we wanted to do while we were single. Not because some of them wouldn’t be fun with a special someone, but because for many of us—the ring wasn’t going to come by spring. In fact, for me, it didn’t come for another eight or nine years.
If someone told my twenty year old self, how many “Mr. Not Rights” I’d meet… it would have felt depressing.
If someone told my twenty year old self, how many “Mr. Not Rights” I’d meet, or how many years I’d have to wait before meeting Tony, it would have felt depressing. Because what I couldn’t see—going to a school where there was pressure to find your spouse before graduation—was that singleness isn’t bad. In fact it offers us this incredible gift:
Time.
Being single meant I got to live with my wonderful grandparents and work in Boston for a year. It meant that when I got “the job” I wanted, I could pick up and move to another state without a thought. It meant I could throw myself into the work I loved without anyone waiting for me at home. Then it gave me the opportunity to learn that taking days off and having a life outside of work was equally important. It meant I had time to go to counseling and become a healthier me. It also meant I could fly to foreign countries for my job without a thought, and take long road trips with my best friend.
Though at times it was hard and lonely, being single wasn’t terrible. I wish someone had told me that. And I wish they encouraged me to make a bucket list to help me pay attention to all the ways it was good for me.
Though at times it was hard and lonely, being single wasn’t terrible. I wish someone had told me that.
Now, chances are, if you’re a regular reader and you’re single—you’re not twenty. You’re at least a little bit older than that. You’ve already done great things in your life, and you’re wondering, when your turn is going to come. I hear you.
But here is the hard truth about wanting anything before it’s time: focusing on what we want isn’t going to make it happen. Instead it just keeps us from seeing all the good that God does have for us right now, in this season.
So friend, I want to invite you to make a new bucket list. A list for what you want to do over the next few months or for the rest of 2020.
What are the things you’ve been longing to do, but you’ve been waiting for someone to do them with?
What are the things you never imagined you’d do, but would give you a rush if you tried them?
Perhaps it’s time to make your list. Not to give up hope of finding someone, but rather to make the most of the time you have right now. You never know what possibilities will come.
*I went to a Christian College where we had mini-church services three times a week, which wasn’t as bad as it may sound. Sometimes, incredible people spoke and gave me needed wisdom and perspective for my life and faith.
Last month, many of us filled out my Start Here: Dream Planner, to help us plan our 2020, set goals to work toward our dreams, and to see how our lives are aligning with our values. But we also looked at how we want our relationships to be better this year. If you want to live more intentionally in 2020–Sign up here, for my free Start Here: Dream Planner to help you do all these things and more!
Photo by Paul Gilmore on Unsplash
