Dear friends,

I have a feeling there are more of us than we realize. 

“Us” being anyone who has spent more time making other people happy, than they have spent thinking about their own happiness. Or anyone who has felt it’s more trouble to speak up for oneself than it is to suffer the consequences. Chances are, you are one of “us,” if you’ve ever:

Agreed to doing more than you can handle for a Holiday dinner, event, or party.

Heard your boss say that you didn’t get time off for the Holiday because you were the only one who wouldn’t complain about working.

Not told someone about your food allergy, because you didn’t want to make a fuss or be labeled “one of those people.” 

Gone along with other people’s plans even when you’d rather do anything else. 

Not told your closest friends what’s really going on with you, because you’re afraid of being “too much.”

Worked hard at something, because you thought other people really cared about it. 

Or, forgotten altogether that the word “no” exists. 

I could go on and on. But for the sake of time, I will get to my point. Being a people pleaser is a lot more fun for the people around us, than it is for us. Not only that, but being a people pleaser around the Holidays can be especially hard.

Being a people pleaser around the Holidays can be especially hard. Over the next six or so weeks, there will be a lot things that need to get done. And a voice inside of us will say, we are responsible.

Over the next six or so weeks, there will be a lot things that need to get done. And a voice inside of us will say, we are responsible. There will be gift shopping to do, and we will feel pressure to buy presents that put smiles on all our peoples faces. Not to mention that everyone carries nostalgic expectations into the holidays, and if we’re not careful, we will think those too are ours to meet. 

That is why, today I want to give you a permission slip to say no. 

Now, as I have been working on recovering from my people pleasing tendencies for years, I know it’s not much. I know that a permission slip can’t undo all the feelings wrapped up in the pleasing. The feelings of worth and importance, as well as the fear that we will be loved less if we stop saying, “Yes.”

I know that a permission slip can’t undo all the feelings wrapped up in the pleasing. The feelings of worth and importance, as well as the fear that we will be loved less if we stop saying, “Yes.”

But I also know, the road to recovery is always marked by small steps. That none of us make big sweeping changes in one successful leap. And that when it comes to overcoming people pleasing, there needs to be an unraveling of all the ways it has woven itself into our identities. 

With this in mind, I want to give you permission to say no. Not to everything or to everyone, just to say no to some things. Because if we can begin taking these small steps, I believe we can find freedom. I also believe that experimenting with the word “no” will enable us to discover that our people don’t just love us for our “yes.”

The road to recovery is always marked by small steps.

This Holiday season, I am giving you permission to say no at least once a day until the New Year (hopefully you won’t need my permission after that). If you need to, print this out and put it on your wall. Better yet, get neon post-its and write, “Permission to Say No” in sharpie on a bunch of them and put them wherever you need to see them. 

In other words, over the next few weeks, don’t do it all. In fact, this week try and think of the things that are coming, and even plan your “no’s.” It will make it easier than having to decide in the moment. Take care of yourself this season, in a way that enables you to show up for people—not in every way—but in the ways that matter.

Friend, you matter to me. Your physical and emotional well-being matters to me. So please, where you can, say no.

Sending Courage,

Melissa

 

Do you feel mentally and/or emotionally overloaded by both real life and the approaching Holidays? If so, sign up for my email list and get your FREE copy of my Five Steps to Declutter Your Mind, to help you find clarity and peace this season.

 

Photo by Green Chameleon on Unsplash