You know you had one. Whether it was in your head or your diary, posted on your mirror or hidden deep in your heart—when you were single, you had a list. Though it maybe embarrassing to admit now, because as least at one point it described a movie star more than anyone you knew in real life, you had one.
You had a list of what you were looking for in a spouse.
Tall or short, athletic or nerdy, you had some sort of picture in your head of who you wanted to marry. Maybe even down to what color hair they would have. But I can almost guarantee, there was one thing you never thought to put on your list:
“Likes to do housework.”
Unless you were looking for a 1950’s housewife, it probably wasn’t on there. Sure, you might have put “wants kids.” Maybe you even put “likes to cook.” But most of us were taught to look for someone who has a good job, believes what we do, and ideally has similar interests as us. Being responsible around the house, wasn’t usually mentioned.
Only, all the everyday, mundane tasks of living in an apartment or house, can bring a significant amount of tension into a marriage, especially if a couple isn’t on the same page. As my friend said in our adulting series, “There is never ever a time when there aren’t dishes or laundry to be done. Ever.” And when you get married, all of those chores become shared responsibilities.
But what do you do, if only one of you sees those chores as shared?
What do you do if you feel like you keep having the same conversation over socks left on the floor or dirty dishes left in the sink?
Here are five things Tony and I have learned to do when it comes to sharing our household responsibilities:
Have a conversation.
Whether it is about socks or the burden of all the household chores, a conversation needs to be had. If possible, do this at a time when things are good between you, rather than when tensions are high. Share with your spouse what you feel are the pain points when it comes to cleaning the apartment/house. Ask them what they feel are the pain points.
Check your expectations.
As a part of your conversation, take the time to talk about the expectations you have for each other and your home. Are your expectations, fair in this season? Are their expectations fair? For example, do you both want to have a spotless house, but you both are working fifty to sixty hours a week? Work through letting go of any unrealistic expectations, and find ways to live into the realistic ones together.
Create a chore list.
Not a chore chart, as neither of you are in kindergarten anymore. Instead, if needed, hit the “reset” button to your home life by listing out all the things that need to be done in your home on a weekly and monthly basis. Then, divide these chores in the way that feels the most equal to you both in this season. For example, when I was working full-time, our list looked very even. But when I took some time off in between jobs, I added a few things to my responsibilities to give us more free time when Tony wasn’t at work.
Respect each other’s pet peeves.
At times, our tension comes from something that to an outsider may seem silly. Putting empty cartons back in the fridge. Leaving clean clothes in the dryer for days so they become wrinkly. Things that don’t hurt anyone, but can escalate in frustration. When we ask our spouse to stop doing them, and they don’t, it can make us feel disrespected. Or worse, make it seem like our feelings aren’t valued. In these situations, we need to tell each other how our actions impact one another. If you want your spouse to take clothes out of the dryer sooner, ask them. But also if they ask, put your shoes away when you’re not wearing them. This mutual respect is crucial to restoring harmony to your home.
Recognize that Done is better than “Right.”
We all have our own ways of doing things. We fold towels a certain way, use only one kind of dish soap, and wash clothes like our mom taught us. But then, we get married and our spouse has their own way of doing things—that isn’t necessarily “our way.” And we have a choice: Be Type A, and do everything ourselves. Or compromise. Recognize there really isn’t only one way of doing things. And, that it won’t be the end of the world if the towels are folded differently, as long as they are folded and put away. Don’t hold so tightly to your own way that you discourage your spouse from sharing the responsibilities around the house. Instead, let go where you can so you don’t have to carry it all on your own.
Where have household chores caused tension in your marriage?
What are the things you can do to relieve that tension?
Are you in the midst of making a decision? Contemplating a life change? If so, you may be interested in my FREE Making Changes Checklist that I give to all my email friends. Want your free copy? subscribe here.
