When I was in eighth grade, I was one of the tallest girls in my class. So, when I signed up for basketball, it wasn’t surprising that the coach put me in as a center. Only, I liked dribbling and passing more than shooting. I wanted to be a point guard, but my team needed my height under the basket.
Being a part of a team means showing up in the way your team needs you, which is not always the way you want. The same, is true for marriage, only most of us haven’t been taught that. Clouded by movie portrayals, love songs, or sometimes even what our parents modeled for us growing up—our views on marriage are often a muddled mess.
Many of us go into marriage believing our spouse is going to make us happy for the rest of our lives. Some of us would even say that is the job of a husband or wife to make their partner happy. Only, when we go into this incredibly intimate relationship believing it’s purpose is happiness, we are short-changing ourselves. Not to mention, we are also imposing impossible standards on one another.
When we go into this incredibly intimate relationship believing it’s purpose is happiness, we are short-changing ourselves.
Marriage is meant to be so much more than simply wedded bliss. But at the same time, it isn’t able to give all some of us are expecting from it. Some of us go into marriage believing we are becoming one half of a whole. That it is possible for two people to fill the emotional and identity holes inside each other. That somehow we can complete one another.
Only, this belief only causes the deficits inside each person to feel that much greater once the joy of the honeymoon wears off. NO ONE has the ability to complete another person. That is the job of the individual and Jesus.
So, if marriage isn’t about happiness or becoming whole, what is it about really?
Beyond mutual attraction and hopefully, similar interests, marriage is an opportunity for two people to commit to living life together in the same direction toward common goals. To commit not only to their own success, but to the success and growth of their spouse. To have each other’s back, and to even stand under the basket when they really want to be the one bringing the ball up the court.
Marriage is a team sport.
It works best when two people bring their whole selves—their interests, talents, dreams, and goals—into their relationship. When they make space for one another to be their full selves. And also, when they willingly sacrifice for each other both in the everyday mundane, as well in the bigger, tougher life moments.
Recently, we had some friends over for dinner, and we started talking about football. One player came up in our discussion because he recently was traded from our friend’s favorite NFL team. He is a really gifted player, but all his actions seemed to be focused on himself—how much money he can make, how many catches he made, etc.
According to our friend, this player put up a big stink because another player on his team had caught more touchdown passes than he did last season. Instead of being happy his team scored, he was jealous. His attitude made him a difficult team member, so he was traded.
When you are out for yourself, you are envious of those around you when they succeed. You care solely about what is good for you. Only, you can’t see that what is good for those around you, is good for you too. This behavior, can’t last on a team that wants to win. Nor can it last in a marriage.
Marriage requires that two people are always considering what is best for their team and their teammate. It means both partners know deep down inside that the sweetest wins are won together. And both sides must sacrifice in certain seasons, to make it across the finish lines they are longing to surpass.
Have you ever thought about marriage as a team sport?
What would this mean for your relationship if you thought of each other as wearing team jerseys?
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Photo by Alfonso Lorenzetto on Unsplash
