No one likes conflict.
In fact, that is why so many couples who’ve been together for years, feel disconnected from one another: they’ve avoided their struggles by pretending they aren’t there. They’ve let them pile up, until there is a wall between them. The only solution is to do the hard work of dismantling the wall (including getting help), or get out. None of us want to choose the latter.
None of us want our marriage to end.
That is why, no matter where you are in your marriage journey—from single wanting to be married someday, to being married for decades—today is the day to begin working on your conflict management skills. In fact, I would say, if we want our marriages or any of our relationships to be healthy, these are skills we should always be working on.
None of us have conflict 100% figured out.
We just don’t. But, as your friend, today I want to share three things I have learned to remember in times of conflict that have helped our marriage, as well as my relationships with other people. These three things are simple, but they’re not always easy. They require patience and practice. Yet they go a long way in helping us deal with conflict, rather than letting it pile up.
In conflict, we need to remember:
To ask, “Is it them? Or is it me?”
Sometimes, a fight isn’t about what we think it’s about. Tensions rise quickly and a fight breaks out over how to load the dish washer, when really the problem isn’t even with each other. One or both people in the relationship had a terrible day at work, didn’t eat enough at lunch and is hangry, or another relationship in their life is hitting a rough patch. All the emotions surrounding the “conversation” about the dishwasher, are really about something else.
When we find ourselves about to have a blowout fight over an everyday task, it is important to take a step back. To ask, “Is this tension coming from them or me?” If it is coming from you, verbalize it. There are times I snap at Tony about something ridiculous. Then realize I just took out my frustration on him over something that had nothing to do with him. When I can quickly apologize, and explain what is going on with me, the tension dissipates, and we’re able to have the actual conversation we need. Practice self awareness in these situations and it will save you and your relationship a lot of stress.
They are doing the best they can.
Sometimes, it is them. Perhaps they had a bad day. Or maybe, they did something that feels really selfish to you and you can’t believe they don’t understand why you are upset. In these situations, we also need to step back. We need to, as Brene Brown explains in her book, Rising Strong, believe that our significant other is “doing the best they can.” That their intentions weren’t malicious.
Then, Brene also says we need to tell our loved one, our version of the story. She calls it our “sh*ty first draft”—partly because it makes us feel that way, and also because sometimes our perceptions of our partner’s actions are off. As calmly as possible, we need to tell them how their actions made us feel. Allow them to explain their side. Then work together to resolve both the issue and the tension. This last part always takes two, but if we can believe the best of our partner even in the hardest times, it will make a big difference in how we play our part.
Don’t run away.
This one may seem like a no-brainer. It’s not possible to work through conflict if one of you isn’t there. But, honestly, this is the hardest one for me. I feel things very deeply. So when tensions rise, I want to escape. Early in our marriage, this was incredibly difficult for Tony. He’d want to talk things through, and I would leave the room.
Thankfully, he told me how this affected him. It made him feel like I didn’t want to work things out. And I had to tell him, the tension and emotions are hard for me to handle. Now, I do my best to stay in the room, and if I have to leave to collect my thoughts, I tell him I need a few minutes and that I will be right back. Then I come back a few minutes later and we keep talking until we’ve worked things out.
What do you try to remember when there’s conflict with your partner?
Do any of these seem especially important for you to remember?
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