Friendships are never easy. In middle school they’re all about safety, and having people to sit with in the cafeteria so you aren’t labeled an outcast. In high school, the social groups are pretty well established. But there is still the possibility of fall outs, decimating entire groups with one betrayal. Then in college, the whole deck is shuffled and we start again.
The good news about college is that if you didn’t meet your BFF in high school, you get another chance. And this time, any friends you make, may share more of your values and be headed on a similar life path. You get another shot at making at least one life long friend.
When I graduated college, I thought I had made such a friendship. This friend and I both were headed into similar careers. For the last two and a half years of college, we told each other just about everything. And we talked about the future as if we’d be in touch for the rest of our lives.
And for a number of years, we were.
Our friendship survived long distance, new jobs, and life changes. There were phone calls of tears and heartache, as well as ones with laughter and celebration. We shared books, music, and our dreams for the future. Then things changed.
In a time in my life where I least expected it, our friendship ended. It felt like a horrible death. Only we both were very much alive.
After, I remember thinking that having one friend who was closer than all the rest, had been reckless. Because it didn’t just feel like I had lost someone I cared about, it felt like I had lost a piece of myself. And I didn’t want to hurt that way again. I didn’t want to lose that much again.
In a time in my life where I least expected it, our friendship ended. It felt like a horrible death. Only we both were very much alive.
When we unexpectedly lose someone we care about—a close friend or romantic partner—our first response is often to close back in on ourselves. Like a house boarded up to protect itself from a hurricane, we want to shut our hearts up tight, so no one else can ever enter. The risk of experiencing that pain again, is too great. So we hold back.
Thankfully, around this time, I had some other friendships. Only, I thought if I just kept them all at a similarly good but not too deep level, I’d be safe. If I had a bunch of semi-close friendships, and one ended, it wouldn’t hurt as much. So I held back.
I thought if I just my friendships all at a similarly good but not too deep level, I’d be safe. If I had a bunch of semi-close friendships, and one ended, it wouldn’t hurt as much. So I held back.
For a while I didn’t share as much of my life. I didn’t invest as much of my heart. I tried to plan more girl’s nights, and fewer one on one coffee dates.
Then, as all of our lives tend to do, I hit a hard season. Some parts of my life felt upended. And one of these friends who I had tried to keep at a half of an arm’s length, drew me in close. She was there for me in the storm.
One of these friends who I had tried to keep at a half of an arm’s length, drew me in close. She was there for me in the storm.
The famous poet, John Donne once wrote, “No man is an island.” In other words, we aren’t self-sustaining. We need each other.
As painful as the loss of friendships or relationships can be, they can’t erase our need to do life with others. Though opening our hearts and lives up to another person is risky, the alternative is even riskier. According to a study outlined on WebMD, loneliness is worse for our health than obesity. And it is equivalent to smoking fifteen cigarettes a day.
We’re not meant to live in isolation.
Even those of us who have experienced painful break ups, know this deep down. That is why we often turn to the other people in our life when someone hurts us. Why stress feels more bearable when we can talk about it with a friend. And why being a part of a community in times of tragedy is so powerful.
Only we don’t just need each other for the hard times.
It’s no secret that the good parts of life are always greater when we share them. Good food tastes better, there’s much more laughter, and adventures become cherished memories that are talked about for years to come.
Holding ourselves back in relationships or friendships may feel like the solution to keeping our hearts from getting broken. They aren’t. People change, so friendships and relationships change. If we close up when one relationship ends, we may miss out on the other wonderful ones waiting to begin.
Where have you been hurt in relationships or friendships?
How may this pain be still causing you to hold back?
Are you in the midst of making a decision? Contemplating a life change? If so, you may be interested in my FREE Making Changes Checklist that I give to all my email friends. Want your free copy? subscribe here.
Melissa, thank you for writing this. I wish I had been exposed to more advice like this when I was younger and trying to figure friendships out. Just kidding, I’m STILL trying to figure friendships out!!! This is a great article to think about and I plan on saving this to my resource folder so that I can share it for discussion with some of our missionary kids too. Thanks for writing Melissa!
So glad you found this helpful, Harmony! I swear we’re all still trying to figure out friendships, so it is good when we can share whatever information we know with each other!