The other night, Tony and I were telling each other about some of the dates we went on in high school. I shared a time I went on a date with a guy even though I knew he wasn’t good for me. And he talked about borrowing his mom’s mini-van to pick up a girl for a dance, which reminded me of my first real date with a boy. He too picked me up in his mom’s mini-van. We were so cool.
But I can still remember how nervous I was on that first date. Or how I used to search to find things to talk about when I was with a guy I liked. And I remember thinking relationships were hard because we were in high school. That when we were adults, it would get easier. Only, it didn’t. In fact, with all the pressures to find a spouse, it only became more challenging.
Thankfully though, I made it through both my high school years of dating and dating in my twenties. I survived the sweaty palms, butterflies in my stomach, and confusion over whether a guy liked me or not. More importantly, I learned a lot of helpful lessons about dating, love, and even marriage.
As today is Valentine’s Day I want to share with you some of the most crucial things I’ve learned about romantic love:
Pursuing a Relationship takes Two.
Growing up watching movies in which the guy always made the first move, made me believe that the woman’s role should always be passive (hello Patriarchy). It took me a while to realize that if I was interested in a guy, maybe I should let him know. When I finally did, my attempts were terribly awkward. But it taught me that guys are just as insecure as women are when it comes to dating. The whole Prince Charming/Cinderella ideal needs to be updated. We need to see what it looks like for two people to come together through mutual admiration that is not just built on physical attraction.
Dating is Awkward.
It just is—at least at the beginning. It’s almost like a job interview, only you’re there to find out if the other person has similar interests, a good heart, and makes your heart beat faster. While having dinner, on our second date, I remember staring at the salad bowl for what felt like eternity. I was trying to think of something to say while simultaneously praying Tony would say anything. Thankfully, our conversation rebounded, but it could have gone either way. The point is, you don’t know, until you brave the awkwardness.
Dating is more like an experiment than a guarantee.
In movies, relationships seem to move at warp speed. Two people meet and by the end of the first date they are in love (or at minimum, in non-Disney movies, they’re spending the night together). Both are unhelpful to the woman or man on a first date. There is so much pressure for it to work that when it doesn’t, it is more disappointing than it should be. If two people go on a date, they need to see it as simply an opportunity to meet someone new—not start planning their future together. That way, if it doesn’t work out, there are no hard feelings involved, and both are free to move on.
Don’t look for the Perfect Man/Woman, look for someone who can be your best friend.
A year before I started dating Tony, one of my close friends got married. In one of our usual girl conversations, she shared that she and her new husband had had an argument. She protected their privacy and didn’t share much, she just shared that it had happened. But it helped me realize that even good marriages can be hard. Also, no one is perfect. Instead of looking for the unattainable, look for someone with good character, and for someone who will be your best friend. That way, when you get in a fight, they will fight fair, and at the end of it you will realize you were both fighting for your relationship all along.
Seek to be better together, but not to complete each other.
No one but you and Jesus can fill the void you have inside. Any feelings of emptiness, unhappiness, or insecurity can’t be solved by a significant other. So whether you’re in a relationship or not, it’s time to start doing the work of becoming a whole person. Counseling, mentors, and lots of prayer has enabled me to bring my whole self into our marriage. By not expecting to complete each other, we’re able to love one another and our world that much better.
What things do you wish someone had told you about love?
What things have you learned?
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Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash
