Ever notice how sometimes the hardest person to buy a Christmas gift for isn’t your great aunt on your mother’s side? Instead, it’s your significant other? They’re the person you spend the most time with, and who you know better than anyone else. Yet some years it feels like solving world hunger would be easier than finding them the perfect gift.
Only, I don’t believe, as couples, that the gift is always our main problem.Yes, there is typically the stress over what to get each other. But our initial struggle of gift giving usually begins when we don’t talk or barely talk about what we are going to get each other for Christmas. To which you may be thinking, talking beforehand will only ruin the surprise! Though not talking, in some cases, could be disastrous.
As someone who wasn’t married until my late twenties, I didn’t have a lot of experience with this before Tony. But I had plenty of time to watch and even help the couples in my life try to navigate gift giving at Christmas. Through being an outside observer, I noticed most of the tension that arises between a couple around the Holidays, is due to a lack of honest communication.
When a couple doesn’t talk about what they want to do for gifts each year, inevitably someone’s feelings get hurt. Person A outdoes Person B with the perfect gift, and instead of feeling thankful, Person B feels guilty that they didn’t do as much. Or, one or both people end up getting gifts that don’t actually fit the other person at all.
Then, there are those couples who do talk, but say things like “You don’t need to get me anything this year.” When actually, they really would like a gift. On Christmas morning they look under the tree for a surprise, but then—Surprise! They took those words seriously.
Or, both people agree not to get anything for each other. Then Person B finds the perfect gift for Person A, and buys it. But as discussed, Person A doesn’t get anything for Person B. All kinds of hurt and drama ensues. At times, making us ask,
Why do we even bother?
The act of giving each other gifts is meant to bring us joy. Only, receiving gifts at Christmas (and sometimes, Birthday’s and Valentine’s Day), has a way of bringing up all kinds of baggage. It drags out all our fears and insecurities.
For some of us, we are afraid that asking for something for Christmas means we’re selfish. Or, that to ask each other what we’d like for Christmas, means we don’t really know each other at all. Or, insecurity tells us we don’t deserve a gift, so we say we don’t want anything. While deep inside we’re hoping our person will get us a gift that tells us we are worth more than we know.
Gift giving is complicated.
And I think it is further complicated when it involves the person we love most. All our baggage makes it messy. Sometimes we silently hope the other will fill a void or desire they don’t even know about. And because we can’t mind read, if we don’t talk honestly, we set each other up for failure. Without being honest with ourselves and each other, our holiday is doomed.
Tony and I have committed to having conversations yearly, in early December, about our expectations. These conversations work best when we both are honest with ourselves and each other, about what we really want the holiday to look like. Not leaving each other to guess.
This year will be my ninth Christmas with Tony, and eighth, as his wife. I wish I could tell you that we have done gift giving perfectly every year. Only, we haven’t. But, we have committed to having conversations yearly, in early December, about our expectations. These conversations work best when we both are honest with ourselves and each other, about what we really want the holiday to look like. Not leaving each other to guess.
Then, considering where we are at financially, we come to a decision together. Sometimes, it looks like giving each other our wishlists, to give us ideas. Other times, it looks like making or going out for a special dinner just the two of us. Often, it isn’t the same every year, but the key is in coming to a decision and together committing to it. It is being aware if and when baggage comes up, and addressing it in a healthy manner before things get messy. And above all, it is about remembering that we both love each other in a way that no material object can fully express. However we celebrate, is simply an expression of the blessing it is to be together.
Where or how have you struggled in giving gifts to your significant other?
What things do you need to talk over with each other this season?
Are you in the midst of making a hard decision? Contemplating a big life change? If so, you may be interested in my FREE Making Changes Checklist that I give to all my email friends. Want your free copy? subscribe here.
