Learning to Tell Your Story

There is this part in Brene Brown’s book, Rising Strong, in which she shares a phrase that helps her deal with conflict. Whether experiencing tension with her husband, friend, or a co-worker, this one phrase helps her open up a healthy and calm dialogue. The phrase begins like this:

“The story I am telling myself is…”

In other words, if someone does something that feels hurtful or unexpected—rather than blowing up at the person—she examines her story. You know, the story we all tell ourselves when things like this happen. Stories like

“He didn’t call me, he must be mad at me.”

Or, “She didn’t say much about my project. She must not like it.”

For some reason, when a relationship seems off, our brains go into story mode, and unfortunately, often head in a negative direction. Brene’s solution to this, is to review her story and then calmly share it with the person it’s about. Nine times out of ten, her story is not their story. The person whose action made her feel angry or hurt, actually meant something else entirely. Or, didn’t mean anything at all. They were tired or distracted, and never meant to cause any harm. Only, she’d never have found this out—or found it out too late—if she believed her story and reacted negatively because of it.

We are all storytellers.

Whether we share them online, put them in a book, text them to our friends, or keep them completely to ourselves, we are storytellers. Most of the stories we tell have to do with our experiences. Stories are how we make sense of what has and hasn’t happened to us. They are how we relive and celebrate good memories. And, when we are ready, telling our painful ones is how we heal.

But how can we be sure we are telling our most truthful stories, when there are times we get the story wrong? Or times where unhealthy people tell us our story is a lie, trying to silence us? Or worse, we don’t have the confidence or courage to really examine our story?

Where do we begin?

Over the past few weeks, I have shared that I had the unusual gift of finding myself in a class where I had to tell my story—and have good people speak into it. Chances are though, this is not a common occurrence. Unless you are in a profession where you are counseling people, you probably won’t find yourself in such a class. But, that doesn’t mean there aren’t ways to begin thoughtfully looking at your past.

Here are a few steps that have been a part of my process (post counseling class), that have helped me tell my story:

Writing It Down

Whether using long sentences, an outline, or timeline, write out your story. Don’t worry about the format; the important thing is to get it down. If you need a guide for this, Dan Allendar’s book, To Be Told, is an excellent resource. It will help you not only write out your story, but also begin to unpack it. In fact, this book was required reading for my counseling class, and it helped me a lot in the beginning stages of looking at my story.

Looking For the Unresolved

As you write out or go through your story, pay attention to the parts that hold tension. What memories are too painful? What feels unfinished? What is missing from your story—not because you didn’t share it, but because it just wasn’t there? Spend some time thinking about how these things have affected you in the past, and how they may be affecting you in the present.

Processing with a trusted Friend or Mentor

If anything comes up as you look at your story, pay attention to how it makes you feel. Then, talk to a trusted friend or mentor. Ask them to help you process what you’ve found—and to help you determine if you need to see a counselor. I will be honest, even after my counseling class, it took my two best friends at the time to separately tell me that it would be a good idea for me to go counseling. And I am so glad I did.

Finding a good Counselor

This can seem daunting, I know. How do you find a perfect stranger to tell your deepest, darkest hurts to? But it isn’t as hard as it seems. Just use your resources. Call a good local church and ask who they recommend. Ask around. Even use the internet. I asked a trusted acquaintance who happened to be a counselor, for suggestions in our area. With a little leg work, you are bound to find someone you can trust.

Remembering It’s a Journey, Not Microwave Popcorn

Processing your story is going to take time. Healing doesn’t happen overnight. And true freedom from the struggles in our past (and present), doesn’t come without some work. So commit to what is ahead. Don’t rush it. And know you are on the path to the exact place you want to be.