There are times in life, where we’d all rather not be the leader. These moments are the hard ones, where everything is on the line. When we’d be more comfortable with someone else making the decision, because if things go wrong, we won’t be to blame.
It’s in the hardest of these moments where both people in a dating or marriage relationship don’t want to lead. Where, no matter what they believe about man’s role vs woman’s role, both would be more comfortable if the other made the decision. Yet it is in these very moments where both people need to show up. Where both need to work together toward the best resolution.
Leadership in the context of romantic relationships, can be tricky. If it is believed one partner is the leader in everything, the couple risks losing the voice and strengths of the other. While if it is believed both are equal—that no one is the leader—then a relationship can falter. That is why I believe it is important for every couple to find their own balance of leadership. To find a rhythm where both are using their gifts to lead their relationship forward.
Now, I’d be lying to you if I told you that this was easy or even cut and dry. That every couple should be able to find their balance of leadership without there ever being any hurt feelings, raised voices, or even tears. To tell you that, would not be to describe a relationship between two humans. And actually, I think God has made it this way, so that we can grow together. Growth doesn’t happen without tension.
But, I do believe that there are things that every person can do, to be a leader in their relationship. Things that can help two people find the balance in which both partners feel a sense of purpose in loving each other well. Today, I’d like to share a few of these practices that have helped grow our marriage. They aren’t things we do perfectly, but the more we seek to do them well, the stronger our relationship grows.
Be a Team, Not Just a Couple*
As a part of a couple, it can be tempting to go back to thinking of yourself only as an individual. When this happens, all of our actions—and our partner’s—become about us and how we feel. But if we’re on a team, then our relationship is about more than just the needs of one or both individuals. It is about what we can accomplish and be together. All of a sudden, what is good for our teammate and good for our team, becomes the focus of both members. Win or lose, you are in it, together.
Really Listen
We often think of leaders as talkers. But really good leaders listen closely to those around them, and they ask good questions to learn more. The same is true for good husbands or boyfriends, wives or girlfriends. When we take time to fully listen to each other, we learn about what is most important to our partner. And by knowing this, we are more able to build their trust, support their dreams, and see where we can grow together. So, in quiet moments when you and your partner are staring at your phones, put your phone down. Ask about their day or their dreams. Start a conversation—then listen.
Capitalize on Each Other’s Strengths
There are times when we think we can do it all on our own. When we forget that God put this great person in our lives who happens to be really good at the thing we’re trying to be good at, but just aren’t. It is in these times where we have to lay down our pride, and let the other person help, lead, or even do it instead. When we do this, we are giving the other person a chance to shine, and an opportunity to love us well. But remember to look for opportunities to return the favor. Because there too are strengths only you bring to your relationship.
Encourage Each Other’s Growth
When we are in a relationship, we have this incredible opportunity to help each other realize our potential. To encourage one another to take risks, try new things, and develop our talents. By doing this, we are not only growing our partner—or them helping grow us—we are growing and enriching our relationship. The better we are as people, the better we are as a couple.
What ways have you seen leadership thrive in the context of relationship?
How do you need to grow as a leader in your relationship?
*NOTE TO THOSE DATING: if you are in a dating relationship, you need to think of it as a trial team. If it becomes clear that you aren’t moving in the same direction, have different values, or one or both of you aren’t seeking to love each other well, it may be time to find a new team.
For more on this, check out the post Who’s In Charge.
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