If you had sat me down eleven years ago—in the midst of some of my busiest seasons in ministry and leadership—and told me I needed to practice Self Love, I’d have brushed you off. I’d have said you were watching too much Oprah. Then, about six months later, I would have given you a call and asked for help.

Perhaps it was my stout New England “suck it up, and plow through it” roots. But growing up, “Self Love” wasn’t a thing. If it was, it was looked upon as weak or self-indulgent. To my adolescent self, there were only two options—self-indulgence and “suck it up,” the latter being preferred. A healthy view of taking care of oneself, was sadly, missing.

This line of thinking landed me on countless antibiotics and antacids in my mid-twenties. I had become a pro at “suck it up, and plow through,” but my body and heart began to pay the price. One trip to the ER, almost monthly doctors visits, and numerous sick days, were the ways my body started to tell me—I needed to change the way I was living.

So, I started taking a few steps. To reduce my reflux, I cut down on coffee. I read healthy cooking magazines, and learned how to eat better. Then, I talked to mentors and people I knew, about how to find time to rest and refuel. I started really taking a day “off,” and tried to fully unplug when I got home from work at night. Having no idea that what I was doing was Self Love, I began to feel better.

However, as I began to feel better physically, larger heart matters began to emerge. “Suck it up, and plow through,” had not only caused me to wear myself down, it also enabled me to ignore important life pains and issues that were causing me emotional harm. Eating chocolate was not going to make these feelings go away—

I couldn’t heal this on my own.

At first, I shared my struggles with two of my closest friends. But over time, I realized that some of the things I was dealing with, weren’t healing or going away. Around that time, I would find myself on the verge of tears in moments where it made no sense for me to cry. Finally, within a few days of each other, both of my friends lovingly told me what I already knew—I needed to go to counseling.

Soon, I began meeting with someone. We talked about all the immediate things I was feeling, then we went deeper. I started chipping away at my belief that I wasn’t worth taking care of. And, I learned that naming and processing our emotions in healthy and appropriate ways, was crucial in becoming the person and leader I wanted to be.

Through all of this work, I began to see positive changes in my life. My leadership and ministry grew. I developed new friendships. I started dating. Good things happened. Then—because bad things happen in life—some hard things happened too. Only, I found myself learning how to deal with them in healthier ways than I would have a year or two before. Rather than carrying my pain all by myself, I learned how to express it and who to express it to.

At some point, in all of these efforts to put myself back together again, I realized I had begun practicing Self Love. I started to see it as a process of learning how to become a healthier person—not a means of self-indulgence. And I found it actually drew me closer in my relationship with God and others, rather than making me self-focused.

In contrast to what many of us have been taught, “Suck it up and plow through” does not do us or the people around us any favors. Instead it wears us out, and makes us sick physically and emotionally. Whereas, in its healthiest, most positive form, Self Love is a practice that is crucial to growing into strong, mature people who love and serve our communities well.

For me, Self Love started out as a matter of survival, but it has become an important part of my journey towards wholeness. In different seasons, it has looked different ways. But the process is helping me become a better person, leader, mentor, friend, family member, and wife than I thought possible.

Is Self Love something you practice? Or something that makes you Cringe?

In what areas of your life, could you use some Self Love?

Next week, for Part 2, we will be looking at the places where Self Love can lead us into some unhealthy territory, and why we need to be careful about who we are learning from when it comes to our Self Love practices.

 

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