Yesterday was Mother’s Day here in the US. This means, last week, I was out looking for cards to send to some special women in my life who are known to a few as, “Mom.” And at the store, there was an entire aisle full of pink and flowery cards to choose from. Some were simply stated. While others thanked mothers for all the ways they’ve sacrificed for the sake of their children.
Giving of yourself for the sake of others is beautiful.
Though I’m not a mom myself, I can appreciate the incredible things parents do for their children. But as a woman, with a mother and grandmother, I’ve also seed a shady, cultural side of this. Historically, women have been praised for the ways they’ve been able to ignore their own needs to give to those around them. This means for generations, women have been taught how to care for others, but they haven’t been taught how to care for themselves.
Historically, women have been praised for the ways they’ve been able to ignore their own needs to give to those around them. This means for generations, women have been taught how to care for others, but they haven’t been taught how to care for themselves.
If you disagree, take a good look at the women in your life. Listen closely to conversations you’re in where a woman knows she needs to rest, but feels her people need her too much to do so. Pay attention when the older women you know struggle to take the time to go to the doctor, or feel uncomfortable talking about what they need. Chances are they’ve spent so long caring for the needs of others that they’ve lost touch with their own. And the worst part is,
They brush it off as if they aren’t important.
I know, because even as a young woman I used to do this. In fact, it wasn’t until my late twenties, when I was experiencing significant health problems that I realized how damaging this was to my body and my life. For the first time, at twenty-seven, I began to learn how to take care of myself. And now, at forty, I’m still learning.
This is why writing about self care and routines on the blog has been so important to me. Although often, I’ve had mixed reviews. Self care is in direct opposition to this message we’ve received as women that glorifies self sacrifice. Add this to the many other cultural messages that degrade our worth and beauty by giving us such a narrow definition of what it means to be a woman, and it’s difficult to value ourselves enough to practice self care. Not only that, but we’ve been given a horrible definition of what self care even means.
For the first time, at twenty-seven, I began to learn how to take care of myself. And now, at forty, I’m still learning.
For many of us, the first thing we picture when we hear the term “self care,” is a bubble bath. The second, probably involves a day at the spa. All wonderful, yet in some seasons, entirely unattainable things. Yet that is not the self care we most need to learn how to practice.
This past week alone, I’ve had conversations with women I know who are more in tune with what is going on around them than with themselves. So much so, they’ve forgotten to eat breakfast or struggle to take needed medication on time. And personally, I had to talk myself out of compromising my boundaries to fill a need that wasn’t mine to fill. In many ways, as women, we are trained to put ourselves last, only this doesn’t truly help the people in our lives.
When we don’t build regular rhythms into our schedules in which we are taking care of ourselves—body, heart, and mind—eventually, we lose our ability to show up for others in their lives. Not only that, we lose our sense of self. We pour ourselves out until there is nothing left, and we wonder why we feel so alone and empty. This is no way to live.
As women, we are trained to put ourselves last, only this doesn’t truly help the people in our lives.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve been writing about routines. Why we need them, and how to revamp them when we experience change. But friends, if you’ve thought I’ve been talking about building better exercise habits or dieting, please let me clarify. Many of our most important routines, don’t involved incorporating the latest fad into our lives, or even trying to lose weight. The habits we need before anything else are as simple as:
Setting alarms to help us remember to take our vitamins and medications.
Taking the time to start the day with a breakfast that fills us.
Managing our time so we get enough sleep at night.
When we as women allow even these foundational practices to slip, we are telling ourselves we don’t matter. We are setting ourselves up for exhaustion, burnout, and even health problems. Friends, it’s time to refute the messages we’ve been given about being women. It’s time to learn how to care for ourselves.
Where have you struggled with self care?
What messages make it difficult to value yourself?
If you want more help in finding your rhythm when it comes to routines–or just a friend for this crazy journey called life–sign up for my email list today and receive two extra posts and other fun resources in your inbox every month! Sign up here and also receive my free resource on creating space in our lives for what is most important.
