Do you remember the feeling you had when you and your spouse first fell in love? Not just the warm, fuzzy, floating on air stuff, but also the feeling that you couldn’t get enough of each other? It’s almost like taking that first bite into a perfect pizza. It is so delicious, you don’t ever want to stop eating it. Or finding a book you love so much you don’t ever want it to end. Or hitting replay on your new favorite song, believing you’ll never get tired of it.
Except, you have this feeling for a person.
A person who has lived a whole life before you’ve met. Someone who has stories you’ve never heard, and a great smile that comes across their face when you tell them yours. They’re the only one who drinks coffee the way you do. Or surprisingly, it doesn’t bother you that they don’t like coffee it all. Every new discovery you make about them feels exciting. And suddenly, you don’t want to be anywhere but where they are.
Falling in love is fantastic.
Only, in those early stages, there isn’t much room for anything other than being together. All the oxytocin our bodies are releasing tells us we have found a love that is going to last forever. But perhaps more dangerously, it gives us the impression that the high we are feeling with this person won’t ever go away.
Then, we get married.
We settle into a new normal of doing life together. The actual honeymoon is over, and all our everyday realities are now in full force. Eventually, we return to our old hobbies, and soon there is tension. The togetherness we felt at the beginning of our marriage may feel threatened by all our responsibilities or even, by our personal interests.
Choices abound. It’s not that we’re no longer deeply in love with our spouse, but there are other things we want to do that may or may not include them. And something that is talked about so little, becomes crucial to the future of our marriage. We need to strike a balance between making space for who we are together and who we are as individuals.
As two introverted and fairly independent people, Tony and I experienced this early on in our marriage. Where each of us was used to making our own plans or taking off to do our thing, we had to learn to communicate with each other. At times, it meant sacrificing a personal thing to make time to do something together. Other times, it meant learning to sacrifice being together, for the growth of the other person.
We need to strike a balance between making space for who we are together and who we are as individuals.
A few years ago, I led a group through John Mark Comer’s Loveology Study. In it, he talked about how when God created Adam and Eve, he gave them a garden to tend. He gave them a role to play in creation. Then, Comer went on to talk about how each of us have been given our own role to play in this world—to create, to take care of others, and to use the talents we’ve been given for good. Comer says that when we are able to be our full selves and live into these roles, they actually enrich our marriage relationship, rather than detract from it.
This, however requires both a letting go and a holding on. Because we form a team with our spouse, we need to be each other’s biggest supporters. We need to ask one another about our jobs, interests, and goals. To go after our dreams, we have to communicate what we need. Then, we have to make space for each other to pursue these things on a regular basis. This is the letting go part.
The holding on part looks like making sure there is daily time to be together—even if it’s only for the ten minutes we drink coffee in the morning. Then, weekly setting aside a couple of hours to continue pursuing each other; forever seeking to learn more from and about one another.
At the beginning of our marriage, we could have been tempted to believe that our love would only be strong if we were together all the time. However, we’ve learned that it is strongest when it includes space.
When Tony and I are able to take time to do our own thing, we have more to share with each other when we’re together. Conversation doesn’t stall, and sometimes, while we’re apart, we even learn new ideas of things we can do together—to grow, learn, or even just have fun. At the beginning of our marriage, we could have been tempted to believe that our love would only be strong if we were together all the time. However, we’ve learned that it is strongest when it includes space. Space, to be and do the things for which we’ve been created.
Do you ever feel tension in your relationship over how much time you spend together?
How can you and your spouse be intentional about your time together and apart?
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Photo by Everton Vila on Unsplash
Hubs and I have been together 37 years. The older we get the more we enjoy our time together; however, we are really okay apart too. Space is essential. For better for worse, but not for lunch has become our mantra as he is fully retired and I still work fulltime from home. He has lots of interests that take him out and about and I’m grateful!
Thanks for sharing, Susan! I love hearing how you both are making it not only work but thrive in marriage after 37 years! That is awesome.
“…strongest when it includes space.” Amen! Sixteen years and these two introverts are going strong. We definitely have to be intentional about time together that isn’t kid-centric. The space part comes natural to us. But we’ve found for us, the trick is making sure the space doesn’t become a chasm.
Such good points, Laurel! Thanks for sharing.
I’ve learned in my marriage that space comes naturally for us, as we are both busy with our lives. I do intentionally make time for him to spend time with friends or work on his passions, but I know people who resent giving that up, so I agree with you that this is an important message. The harder part for my marriage is making the time to be together–that’s been crucial for us!
Thanks for sharing, Heather! You know, it feels like it is a hard balance to strike–time together and time a part. And the busier you are–especially after having kids (which we don’t have kids)–the more challenging it is to have time intentionally together, like you said.