I am a person of habit. I will drink my coffee the same way for months or years on end before changing it. When we go to our favorite sushi place, I always get their Thai rice noodles. When I listen to music, I’ll listen to the same album over and over before moving on to another. For example, this year, I listened to Taylor Swift’s new albums way more than I want you to know. In other words,
If I find something I like, I’ll stick with it until it gets old.
As much as I love hiking mountains and traveling the world (when there isn’t a pandemic going on), there is a strong pull for me toward what is comfortable, and what is known. So much so that I used to believe our lives and the routines that support them, should be static. Once you find a workout you like, you should keep doing the same one over and over. If waking up at five in the morning suits you, do it for the rest of your life.
I used to believe our lives and the routines that support them, should be static.
Only just as I used to drink caramel macchiatos at Starbucks, but now I find them too sweet—things change. Life changes. We change. This means every time we build a new routine, it’s only for a season. Like finally giving up the pair of jeans we used to wear in college, there comes a time for something new.
If you and your spouse have been on this journey with me for the last few months, and have decided to try my Steps in Creating Routines in Marriage, you may find this final step discouraging:
Repeat.
After you have named what matters, reevaluated your current routines, started a small routine to move you toward your goals, and kept talking with each other to refine your routine—it’s time to do it all over again. First, to continue this routine in your daily life. But then, when the season passes, to repeat this entire process because it’s time for you and your spouse to replace your routine with a new one that fits the changes you both are experiencing.
Every time we build a new routine, it’s only for a season.
Right now, we’re all in the middle of summer. Meal planning may look like throwing meats and veggies on the grill, or packing picnics for the beach. Longer days may mean more time for walks with your spouse in the evening. But soon, the weather will change, our schedules will enter their fall rhythm, and our routines will have to shift.
It will feel like we’re starting all over again.
But here is the good news about creating routines with your spouse: the more you do it, the more intuitive it becomes. What matters to you both (your values), will become clearer and easier to name. By identifying how your life season is changing, you’ll be able to evaluate what routines need to continue, and which need to be replaced. In fact, even this process of creating routines, will become a seasonal routine for you and your spouse.
Here is the good news about creating routines with your spouse: the more you do it, the more intuitive it becomes.
Tearing down something you’ve worked hard to build, feels counterintuitive. It can even feel like failure. However, as I’ve shared before with those of you who are my email friends—routines are our transportation, not our destination. They are the means by which we live out our values, take care of our health and, in our marriages, be intentional about our relationship with each other. The actions themselves and the time we do them aren’t the point. Our desired outcomes are what matters.
Just as there have been seasons where I’ve walked to work, others where I’ve taken a train, and some when I’ve driven my car–our routines need to shift with our life stage. The point is to choose practices that will help us reach our collective goals.
Routines are our transportation, not our destination. They are the means by which we live out our values, take care of our health and, in our marriages, be intentional about our relationship with each other.
If you and your spouse have succeeded in creating a meaningful routine that has worked for you this season, fantastic. Celebrate. But don’t be afraid to begin the process all over again, next season, to make sure your routines continue to work for you both. And if you haven’t found a rhythm this summer, don’t worry. A new season is coming.
What foods, music, or coffee do you find yourself gravitating to over and over again?
How will your life change in the next few months?
Which routines do you and your spouse need to re-create?
If you want more help in finding your rhythm when it comes to routines–or just a friend for this crazy journey called life–sign up for my email list today and receive two extra posts and other fun resources in your inbox every month! Sign up here and also receive my free resource on creating space in our lives for what is most important.
Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash
