As we’re talking about building routines in marriage this month, I’d thought I’d re-share this post on what makes the foundation of our relationship strong–our beliefs. Naming our beliefs and values are one of the first steps in building healthy routines in marriage.
Do you remember, in high school, wishing you had the answer key to a hard exam? Even though you knew cheating was wrong, there was a part of you that wished for an easier way. For me, it was always my chemistry exams—which is ironic as here we are talking about a different kind of chemistry. That of love and marriage.
But now, even as adults, many of us are still looking for that answer key. We’re looking for the easiest way to lose weight, get that promotion, and even understand our spouse. With so many things to fill our time and take up our attention, it can be tempting to do the minimum in some of the most important areas of our lives, even in our marriage.
Passing a test because you saw the answers on your teacher’s desk isn’t the same as actually learning the material. In the same way, there is no shortcut when it comes to building and sustaining a healthy relationship with your spouse. Like every valuable thing, it takes work. And as Tony and I have discovered that work isn’t done just between the two of us.
There is no shortcut when it comes to building and sustaining a healthy relationship with your spouse. Like every valuable thing, it takes work. And as Tony and I have discovered, that work isn’t done just between the two of us.
One of the things that drew Tony and me together in the first place, was our mutual faith in God. When we met, both of us were serving in ministry and had had a relationship with Jesus for a long time. What we didn’t know though, was how much our faith was going to impact our marriage for the better.
Growing up, I had seen first hand how God kept my parents together through some of their most difficult years of marriage. As a teenager, I was taught by youth leaders that it was important to only date fellow Christ followers (which was very difficult when I met great guys who weren’t believers). But even though I could see the benefit of being in a relationship with someone who believed the same things I did, it wasn’t until we were married that I fully understood.
No one loves their spouse perfectly. None of us are perfect, so how could we? But we’ve found, through our relationship with Jesus, Tony and I are better able to love each other. Part of it may be that Jesus has a beautiful way of helping us see our own brokenness in a way that humbles us without crushing us. And that humility helps us have grace and forgiveness for one another.
No one loves their spouse perfectly. None of us are perfect, so how could we?
Another way being in relationship with Jesus helps our marriage, is the patience He has taught us over the years—before we were even together—that enables us to wait with and for each other. Of our nine years of marriage, all of them have been marked by waiting. Throughout our marriage, one or both of us have waited for healing (physically or emotionally), job changes, or answers for our lives’ direction. If I’m honest, it’s felt as if our life together has had very little arrivals, and a lot more of the hard in between. It has been Jesus who has kept us holding on, and holding on to each other.
Of our nine years of marriage, all of them have been marked by waiting…It has been Jesus who has kept us holding on, and holding on to each other.
Jesus has also taught us how to sacrifice for one another. Sacrifice is not something that is often talked about in our culture when it comes to marriage—at least not in a positive way. Often we hear stories of how a wife sacrifices her career for her family or for her husband’s career, and it all seems so off balance. But the sacrifices Tony has made for me—including supporting me as I pursue writing and being an entrepreneur—have been enormous.
Sacrifice can so easily connote death. But just as Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross meant life for us all, when we as a couple prayerfully sacrifice for each other, we flourish. Our relationship flourishes. And our trust in God and in each other grows.
There is a beautiful passage in the book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible, where it talks about two people lying down together. It talks about how they are able to keep each other warm and also how by being together, they are better able to defend themselves. But then, what follows is this line,
“A cord of three strands is not quickly broken(ch.4v.12).”
All of sudden two people become three. And there is this understanding, that the third strand of that chord is God.
When it comes to marriage, there is no answer key. Every couple and their story is different. But if Tony and I were to sit with you and your spouse, and you were to ask us what makes our marriage good, at it’s core, we would say Jesus.
How has your belief system played a role in your marriage?
How may you need Jesus to move in your marriage right now?
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