In a few days, in the US, we will celebrate the women who gave us life. If we have become moms, we ourselves will be celebrated. Only, if we are women “of a certain age,” who haven’t become moms, these celebrations will most likely bring up some rarely talked about, conflicting emotions.
The one’s that make us wonder why somehow we’ve found ourselves outside this component of the circle of life. The sadness that has come from experiencing a separation between us and our sisters and friends who have become moms. And personally, for me, the reminder that
I may not become a mom.
This is strange to admit out loud. And probably disappointing for my mom to read. But, with each passing year, becoming a mom is looking more unlikely.
As a woman, becoming a mom is a part of the cultural “to do” list I was given. Only like finding “clean your room” on the chore list your parents used to give you on a Saturday, it has always been pushed down to the bottom. Something I figured I’d get around to eventually, but not one I’ve felt in any hurry to do.
Unlike my friends and sisters who have told me that from the time they were a little girl, they “always wanted to be a mom,”—motherhood hasn’t been a draw for me. To some, this admission may seem selfish, only I’ve always found ways to care for people. For me, being a mom hasn’t been a necessary component for living out all I’ve been created to be.
Yes, being a mom may be one of the most important roles someone can have in another person’s life. But it isn’t the only one that matters.
Yes, being a mom may be one of the most important roles someone can have in another person’s life. But it isn’t the only one that matters. In my teens, I was a babysitter, camp counselor, and youth leader. In my twenties, I pastored teens through middle school, family crises, and even self harm. Now, in my thirties, I get to be an aunt to a slew of nieces and nephews. I’m a life coach, and I write in hopes of encouraging and empowering others.
All the same qualities that make my sisters and friends incredible moms, I use to help others in different ways. In ways that are both purposeful and needed in our world. I may not be a mom, but I still mother in ways that matter.
I share all of this today because historically and culturally, we’ve been told that our most important role as women is to become mothers. Only, we live in a world where many women who want to be mothers so badly, never get the chance. And where women like me, find our maternal roles to be far less traditional, yet crucial in some very unexpected places.
Being a biological or even adoptive mom isn’t the purpose of being a woman.
As women, our God-given calling is big, broad, and has room for so many possibilities. Though culturally, our opportunities have been limited over the years, God has put inside us a myriad of talents to use in this world. Though among them there is the powerful possibility of being a mom, it isn’t our universal calling. The importance of motherhood doesn’t negate all our other callings—and vice versa.
As women, our God-given calling is big, broad, and has room for so many possibilities.
So though Women’s day is not celebrated in our country the way Mother’s Day is, if you’re a woman who is not a mother, I am celebrating you today. If you too are feeling the emotions I will be feeling this Sunday as our mothers, sisters, and friends are celebrated for a part of life we haven’t entered into—know you’re not alone.
You are not less of a woman because you’re not a mom.
Our world needs you, all of you.
What cultural to do list have you been given?
If you’re a women, how have you felt about motherhood?
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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
My dear Melissa, Since I too have never been a mom, this day always stirs up a sadness that few people understand. You are not alone and yes.. we are much more than what some people think of as our primary role to give birth and raise children. We are leaders, doctors, business women.. and so much more. Thank you for this post. Stay healthy and safe because we need you and love you! ❤️
Thanks for reaching out and commenting, Eileen. I had a feeling you understand. Sending so much love.
I turned 50 last year and felt a kind of finality to the decision to not be a mom. Most of my friends and my younger sister have entered grandparent-hood. Like you, I have cared for many people over the years, and interestingly, without any intention on my part, my focus has changed from young children to teens, to young adults. I don’t think I could have been a good mother and still invested as deeply as I have in so many other lives. I’m not saying there aren’t people who can and do, but I don’t think it would have worked for me (enneagram 5). 😉 It is a little sad at times like Mother’s Day, and probably will be sadder when I no longer have a mom of my own to celebrate that day, but I really don’t have any regrets. For those in your thirties or even forties who long to be moms, I hope you still will one day. But for those who are finding fulfillment outside of that role, I encourage you not to give into the pressure!
Thank you so much, Michele, for sharing your story. This is beautiful and encouraging.
This was a very encouraging post for me to read today. I’m in such a strange place with all that I feel when it comes to this area of my life. Growing up, I never really thought about marriage and kids one day, I don’t really remember playing house or any of that. I never even thought about wanting to be married until after college graduation and later Into my twenties — honestly because then it was becoming the lifestage for many of my friends. Slowly, the number of us single declined and here I still am. I know that at 31, I’m still young and there is time for marriage/family – if the Lord blesses that…but lately my heart has been turned back to the “what-if” of singleness being my life. I have felt the Lord stirring in this area of my heart a lot lately. There is much more to my story and my thoughts, in regards to this, but for the sake of not having a novel here, I’ll close. My heart needed to read this post, I’m glad it was passed along to me. Thank you for your words, Melissa.
Thank you so much for sharing Jess. I am so glad you found this encouraging today. Keep being present to how God is stirring your heart. He will lead the way.