Here is the thing they don’t tell you when you get married: some of the rules of your relationship change along the way. Or rather, you and your spouse keep changing so how you handle crisis and times of stress isn’t always the same. Even if your marriage is good, you can hit a rough patch and be completely blindsided.
It is kind of like being on a long road trip with each other. Sometimes, you or your spouse can handle getting lost and even losing a tire with complete patience and grace—for an entire stretch of your journey. But then, you go to a new place, and you or your co-pilot suddenly freaks out over traffic. One of you is losing your mind, while the other is wondering who is this person in the driver’s seat.
Life is hard. And it doesn’t get easier just because you’re married.
The humbling thing is, the person who is struggling changes all the time. You can’t get frustrated with your spouse for not always holding it together, because your turn will come. One day, it will be your turn to drive and you will lose it over someone cutting you off. And if you have an especially great spouse, they’ll look over at you and patiently tell you it’s going to be ok.
Life is hard. And it doesn’t get easier just because you’re married. In fact, sometimes it can be more difficult because you have more than just yourself to reckon with.
Some of the rules of our relationships will change in marriage. But there are some that won’t.
I told you up front, some of the rules of our relationships will change in marriage. But there are some that won’t. Here are the ones that if followed, I’ve found, will ground us and our spouses in times of conflict and stress. When life or each other threatens to pull us apart, these rules will help us find our way through, together. Only, first I have to share a disclaimer:
There is no excuse for abuse.
If you are in a relationship with someone who is continually tearing you down physically or emotionally—please skip down to rule number six, get help. Don’t wait for things to get better on their own.
Remember this person Is your love & your friend.
When you’re about to hit the roof because you can’t believe they just said that one thing. Or, they did something you didn’t want them to do—remember who they are. Remind yourself of all the good inside them. They are not your enemy. Thank God for them. Then give them grace, and as calmly as possible talk to them about it.
Don’t believe the story in your head.
In this incredible book, Brene Brown talks about how we all create stories in our heads to makes sense of the world around us. Only often, these stories tell us bad things. In many cases, they lie. They tell us we’ve been disrespected, we’re unloved, or we’ve been abandoned. So we react out of fear and pain, before we even know what is true. In these situations, we need to use Brene’s line and tell our spouse, “The story I am telling myself is…” Then we need to listen to what they have to say.
Ask good questions, then listen.
Sometimes, we tell our spouse our story, and their response doesn’t make things any clearer. Or, our spouse tells us their story, and we still feel confused. This is where we need to commit to asking good—and sometimes, even hard—questions to better understand where they’re coming from. But that is only the first part. The second part is that we need to do our best to listen in a way that they feel heard, and we are able to learn as much as we can about where they’re coming from.
When you want to run away, stay.
As I’ve admitted before, this one is really hard for me. I feel things so deeply that it takes everything in me sometimes not to run into another room, or take the car and go for a drive. But running away doesn’t build trust, nor does it help you and your spouse work things through. Sit as long as you can, and if you need a short break, tell your spouse and then come back in a short period of time to continue talking things through.
Finish talking things through.
It can be tempting to let a conversation drop, or to take a break and then never get back to it. But if it is important to you, to your spouse, or to the state of your relationship—talk it through. Don’t let too much time go by without working things out so that you both are in a good place. Waiting or ignoring the hard stuff will only make the distance between you multiply.
Get help.
Sometimes, there are issues or situations we find ourselves repeatedly circling around in conversations or altercations with our spouse. We cycle through topics, but never feel we get anywhere. When this happens, we need to get help. To talk to a trusted mentoring couple or a counselor—someone who can help us breaking the cycle, heal, and move forward together.
What are the rules you follow when fighting with you spouse?
How could you both do better for each other?
Last month, many of us filled out my Start Here: Dream Planner, to help us plan our 2020, set goals to work toward our dreams, and to see how our lives are aligning with our values. But we also looked at how we want our relationships to be better this year. If you want to live more intentionally in 2020–Sign up here, for my free Start Here: Dream Planner to help you do all these things and more!
