One of Tony’s favorite things to do is to watch romantic movies with me. And by favorite I mean least favorite. As in, he doesn’t like most movies where the main focus is a love story.

He says romantic movies are predictable, cheesy, and always end the same way. Yet even when I completely agree (like when he’s talking about Hallmark Movies), I still love them. There is something about two people learning to love each other that gets me every time. And my favorite part of these movies is when the two people in love do this one thing:

They turn toward one another.

After whatever dramatic, fictional obstacle threatens to tear them apart—the couple turns back. They look at each other. And rather than allowing what has happened to get in between them, they apologize and forgive one another. 

Then they live happily ever after. The End.

(Insert an eye-roll from Tony)

Romantic movies almost always conclude neatly and happily. Only, if you’ve found a love story of your own, you know real love is anything but tidy. In fact, what these movies don’t tell us, is that actual couples don’t stop facing difficulties once they kiss or say, “I do.” 

Actual couples don’t stop facing difficulties once they kiss or say, “I do.”

As I’ve shared before, life is hard, so marriage is hard. However, these cheesy, romantic movies do hold an important key to making a marriage work: In order for a relationship to stand the test of time—through everything, a couple must decide to turn toward one another.

If you’ve read last year’s series on marriage, you know conflict is very uncomfortable for me. In fact, early in our marriage it made me want to run away. But problems are never solved, and hearts are never healed, when there is separation. This is not to say there can never be a cooling off period in the middle of a fight—but it is to say, 

The key to a successful marriage is to always turn back. 

To turn in and face one another. To try and understand our spouse’s side of the story. And to choose to believe the best about one another even in our lowest moments. 

Recently, something hard came up in our lives. Both Tony and I reacted very differently. As we’re usually so like-minded, it felt shocking. Both of us were taken back by how the other responded. And for a couple of weeks, we had to keep coming back and talking things through. Even when it was painful, we had to turn toward one another rather than away. This experience reminded me that:

Humility in marriage is more powerful than pride. 

When we are able to choose “us” over being right. When we’re able to suspend our feelings of hurt to understand the other’s intentions. And when we can remember we’re on the same team—that is when we find our way through, together. 

When we can remember we’re on the same team—that is when we find our way through, together.

Now, I know I am not the only one who’s first instinct is to run away from conflict. But I do know we have it in us to learn how to stay. To choose to fight when we want to escape. To turn and look at each other, when all we see is the door. 

What do you need to do to commit to turning toward your spouse? 

If you’re not married, how can you get better at facing conflict so you can better turn toward the people you love, rather than run away?

Last month, many of us filled out my  Start Here: Dream Planner, to help us plan our 2020, set goals to work toward our dreams, and to see how our lives are aligning with our values. But we also looked at how we want our relationships to be better this year. If you want to live more intentionally in 2020–Sign up here,  for my free Start Here: Dream Planner to help you do all these things and more!